Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
