I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
