did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
