And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
