Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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