So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
