I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
