Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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