he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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