i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
