IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
