I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
