I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
