just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You've changed since you got that strap on
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
