i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
