I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
