Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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