fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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