how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
