my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
