And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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