Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
bring money and cleavage
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
