I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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