I just saw a hot homeless man
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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