So drunk its hurt
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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