It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
