I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.