"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.