He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize