please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
