Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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