Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You pole danced in your parka.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
