I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
