you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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