just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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