Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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