My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
