We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i think i just lost a toe
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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