Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
