Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
