I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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