My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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