I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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