Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
