from now on my penis is your penis
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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