Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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