my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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