I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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