If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
