So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
