This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
