Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
