the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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