someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
