my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
