I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
