omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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