I wish I could teleport
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
