I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
