I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
