i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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