why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
