my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im six kinds of drunk right now
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
