I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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